I’m here by accident, like the lost man wandering in the Sahara and stumbling into an oasis. Like the lost man; the only thing I can take credit for is I kept walking and that I haven’t given up wandering.
Have you ever sat back and wondered how exactly you got to this point in your life? No, like really thought about it. Think about all of the complexities and events that have taken place before this point. It’s a bit overwhelming isn’t it? I was thinking about how I got to this exact point and place in this world and time. How did I get here? This is where I would probably give some version of my life story. I would list off all of the schools I’ve attended, places I’ve been, and people I have met. I was born in Santa Monica, but grew up in Maryland. Went off to school in Pittsburgh, and met some truly awesome people, graduated and moved into Baltimore City and started working. But is that answering the question of how I got here? Like I wasn’t doing all of those things and meeting all of those people just to get to an end. They are simply oasis’s I have stumbled into while on my journey. My journey to where?
I honestly don’t know.
My life is filled with a bunch of “I don’t knows.” How did you get your current job? How did you start running? How did you get into tattoos? When are you going to grad school? What’s your plan after this year?
I honestly don’t know.
I’m feel as if wandering through life and working so that I can keep wandering.
“I’m not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost” ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh.
I guess you kind of need a destination in order to be lost…
If my life were a made for t.v movie it would look something like this:
The scene opens with me sitting at a train station. I have my backpack and a book. As I sit on the wooden bench at the station I look up and watch the people rush around with suitcases and briefcases, “why do they call them briefcases? I doubt anyone actually goes around carrying briefs in them.” As I watch people bounce around the station I realize I didn’t buy a ticket. I run into one of the train’s conductor and begin speaking with him. He says there is a train leaving in 10 minutes. It’s going south and since it’s a slow day he can just let me on.
As I talk to the conductor I learn more about his life. His name is Oswald and his son just started going off to college. He wanted to be an airplane pilot growing up but instead became a train conductor due to his fear of flying. As I board the train I notice that the car is empty except for one person in the middle. She is quietly reading a book. I sit a few rows ahead of her. I open my backpack to find a book, a banana, and a few empty candy wrappers. I pull out my book and begin to read. It is a book on the lives of fishermen. I’m not particularly interested in fish or fishing culture. It was just a free book I somehow obtained. As the train begins to roll, Oswald comes around and flashes a warm smile. He asks the lady behind me her destination, then moves on to me and asks where I’m getting off.
I don’t know…
That was really just a long way to say that I have no clue where my destination is. I’m going somewhere. Can I go through life without knowing where I’m going? When do I have to stop saying “I don’t know?” Do I have to stop saying “I don’t know?”
I’ve never really been one for New Years resolutions but for 2016 I want to wander more and embrace uncertainty. I don’t know where I will be towards the end of next year but it’s kind of exciting not knowing. Maybe I’ll find another oasis, maybe I’ll find a path. As for now I’m just walking through the desert.
